Hundred Acre Woods Hiding Spot

Once you have known someone for close to a decade there is not much you can hide from them. It is useless to even try to be secretive because they will clearly see right through it. I spoke with a close friend today on the phone and if I wasn't talking I was either screaming or laughing. I got called out on a lot of different things that others would never be allowed to call me out on. 

"Amber, the reason I hate text messaging so much is because of my relationship with you."

Silence

"If I want to talk to you I have to text because I know if I call either you won't answer or you will be with people. So either way I don't get you."

The screaming on the other line now begins.

"I text you 'how are you?' you reply 'good good.' Amber I know you, you reply 'good, good' too fast to be 'good good.' I hate that our relationship has come down to texts. It's frustrating."

Screaming continues. 

Our conversation continues with her talking about the 'Amber' that she knew. Fond memories of her best friend that prayed with passion, dreamed like she could conquer anything. An 'Amber' that wanted to know who everyone was in Christ, true identity. 

I listen to her describe this girl, and I loved her. I wanted to know her. I want to ask her where she gets her passion from. I want to ask her if she really believes in all the things she confesses.

I was in the kitchen with my sister and cousin the other day. The worried looks on their wet faces depicted a mirror of who I have become. Who I saw I did not like. A cold person. Fighting back tears because to me crying equals weakness. Their love for me was overwhelming. Why? I may never understand. They expressed their desire for me. They wanted me, not just to be in the same room as them and occasionally look their way but they wanted my time and attention. In that moment I hated the person I had become. Staring at two girls, crying just wanted the girl they knew I was to be there. I confessed to them, "I don't know where she has gone and fear she is not returning."

Sitting with my uncle the other day. He expressed to me that He did not like where I was heading.  With a sour look on his face he describes the girl he sees verses the girl he remembers.

I would be lying to say these experience are not a mirror to my relationship with my first love God. I asked God yesterday what was going on. "God, are you cursing me?"

I am reminded of the story in the book of Hosea. 

Chapter 2

She said, 'I will go after my lovers, 

       who give me my food and my water, 

       my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

 ⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; 
       I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

 ⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; 
       she will look for them but not find them. 
       Then she will say, 
       'I will go back to my husband as at first, 
       for then I was better off than now.'

 ⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one 
       who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, 
       who lavished on her the silver and gold— 
       which they used for Baal.

 ⁹ "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, 
       and my new wine when it is ready. 
       I will take back my wool and my linen, 
       intended to cover her nakedness.

¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness 
       before the eyes of her lovers; 
       no one will take her out of my hands.

 ¹¹ I will stop all her celebrations: 
       her yearly festivals, her New Moons, 
       her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.

 ¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, 
       which she said were her pay from her lovers; 
       I will make them a thicket, 
       and wild animals will devour them.

 ¹³ I will punish her for the days 
       she burned incense to the Baals; 
       she decked herself with rings and jewelry, 
       and went after her lovers, 
       but me she forgot," 
       declares the LORD.

 I chased after so many things that were not what God was asking me to chase after. This season was intended me for to simply just chase Him. I question why I have been sick for two months, why was I without a car for three months. I forgot that my health, and all my blessings were provided by God. 

I find myself becoming so uneasy with settling that I run. I run until I get to this point of having to completely surrender. But God being the gracious God that He is once I repent He returns with grace and affection. 

¹⁴ "Therefore I am now going to allure her; 
       I will lead her into the desert 
       and speak tenderly to her.

 ¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards, 
       and will make the Valley of Achor ^{]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} a door of hope. 
       There she will sing ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} as in the days of her youth, 
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

 ¹⁶ "In that day," declares the LORD, 
       "you will call me 'my husband'; 
       you will no longer call me 'my master. ^{c]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[c]} '

 ¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; 
       no longer will their names be invoked.

 ¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them 
       with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air 
       and the creatures that move along the ground. 
       Bow and sword and battle 
       I will abolish from the land, 
       so that all may lie down in safety.

 ¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever; 
       I will betroth you in ^{d]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[d]} righteousness and justice, 
       in ^{e]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[e]} love and compassion.

 ²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness, 
       and you will acknowledge the LORD.

 ²¹ "In that day I will respond," 
       declares the LORD—
       "I will respond to the skies, 
       and they will respond to the earth;

 ²² and the earth will respond to the grain, 
       the new wine and oil, 
       and they will respond to Jezreel. ^{f]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[f]}

 ²³ I will plant her for myself in the land; 
       I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. ^{g]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[g]} ' 
       I will say to those called 'Not my people, ^{h]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[h]} ' 'You are my people'; 
       and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

Last night at church, I leaned back and listened to those around me singing, "You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours." That is really all God wants from us is our heart. He wants us. Not just to be in the same room as us. Not just for just to look in His direction. He wants us. 

I watched a beautiful woman last night speak about the brokeness God has brought her through. And how God can use our brokeness for His plan. I have never been as broken as I have been in this season. Hurt. Four deaths, sickness, disappointment. But last night I made a choice to return to my first Love. I will give my heart back to Him, for that is all He wants. 

Chapter 6      

1 Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces 

but he will heal us; 

       he has injured us 
       but he will bind up our wounds.

² After two days he will revive us; 
       on the third day he will restore us, 
       that we may live in his presence.

 ³ Let us acknowledge the LORD; 
       let us press on to acknowledge him. 
       As surely as the sun rises, 
       he will appear; 
       he will come to us like the winter rains, 
       like the spring rains that water the earth."

 ⁴ "What can I do with you, Ephraim? 
       What can I do with you, Judah? 
       Your love is like the morning mist, 
       like the early dew that disappears.

 ⁶ For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, 
       and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.

 ⁷ Like Adam, ^{]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} they have broken the covenant— 
       they were unfaithful to me there.

 ¹¹ "Also for you, Judah, 

       a harvest is appointed. 

       "Whenever I would restore the fortunes of my people,