Library Rules

I feel the Lord prepares me for life lessons two months in advance.
Two months ago I was cleaning and the Lord laid this on my heart.

Its in the silence that I find you
It’s the silence that I fear

For in the silence I can see you
Staring straight at me

Its in the silence that I see
I am not a tough guy but
….a little girl

“Soften up my girl
soften up my love for I am soft to you”

Please don’t look at me
turn the light back off
Turn away for one moment while I fix this brokenness
Turn away my imperfection is too clear
Turn away

“Turn to me my love, turn to me,
To me you are a masterpiece
Your imperfections are a mirror of your need for me
Turn to me and listen,
When I designed you I created you with a need for me
You truly are an art in every way
Designed by the artist to be displayed”


There is a beauty in silence and rest.
Psalm 62, David said that he would wait on the Lord in silence as long as it takes because everything he needed came from Him. In the Message Bible, vs 11
God said this once and for all;
how many times
Have I heard it repeated?
"Strength comes Straight from God."

Strength comes straight from God. He strengthens us through time with Him.
We sometimes fear the silence because we are not used to it. Our day is packed with noise and other forms of distractions. We don't understand silence in our everyday ritual, so it feels impossible to understand it in our relationship with God.
Silence brings us into the presence of God.
I am starved for the Lord's presence in my life. I want to know what He is thinking and speaking. But it is only through silence that I can experience that.

I Kings 19
11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

The Lord is teaching me to find Him in the silence. In the silence I can hear from Him and find rest. I want to know Him. Know Him, and experience Him. If that takes silence I must practice being silent, because He is all I want. I want Him to be my priority, the center of everything I do, for I agree with David, strength only comes from Him.

My friend reminded me of the story of Mary and Martha
Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:38-42).

Many times in life I miss moments and experiences with the Lord due to distraction. I love that it explains that while "Martha was distracted by her many tasks," Mary "sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying." I want to be a Mary in my relationship with the Lord, stopping and listening. Stopping, being silent and listening.




Psalm 19:14 (ESV)
14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Significant Other

"The more you reaffirm who you are in Christ, the more your behavior will begin to reflect your true identity!
-Dr. Neil Anderson

He approaches the counter and my heart begins to race.
I am going to mess up his drink.
He reaches the counter, disappointed in his eyes.
I messed up his drink once. A year ago.
It was my first day at work and I was nervous. He is a regular and approached the counter expecting me to be psychic and guess his drink. I mislabeled the cup, resulting in him getting the wrong drink.
He came up to me and explained to me, as if I was hearing impaired and slow, what a big mistake I had just made.
Literally a year later I still get nervous when I have to interact with him.
Insecurity overwhelms me. I really enjoy my job, but whenever he is near, I question myself.
Do I know his drink? Do I know how to make it? Do I know how to make anything?

He came in the other day. Insecurity came fast. He was rude to me again.


The film maker in me, wishes things would play out differently.
He would approach the counter. Say something smart. I would jump onto the counter and get everyones attention and say,
"My name is Amberly Rose... not kid. I am a graduate of college, with enormous dreams. I am a passionate girl that plans on adding beauty to this world while I am here. I graduated with a degree in film and hope to one day make ridiculously great movies that you will one day sit in a theatre and be captivated by. But when the end credits roll up and my name appears you won't even recognize the name because you can't see past the black hat and green apron before you. I am more than a barista that happened to mess up your drink once. I am Amberly Rose Lania, daughter of the most beautiful parents in the world. Sister to the kindest girls ever created. But most importantly God, the creator of everything beautiful, finds beauty and worth in me!"
At this point I would step down. The store would be completely silent and my boss would release me.

Why is it that we let moments this like this get to us? When will we come to the point of understanding God's view of us. At work I should remind myself of my true identity. In friendships I should remind myself of my value. For my future, my dreams, I need to remind myself of my worth.

I love what Pastor Aaron Sterns jokes about when speaking on dating. He say that when the boy picks the girl up for the date he should say, "Hey I am looking forward to tonight. We are going to have a great night. But I just want to let you know that I am infinitely valuable in the eyes of God. I am chosen and created by God. So whether you accept me or reject me tonight will not change His love for me. So whether or not you like me by the end of the night will not change my value. Ready to go out?

God loves us. We are never over-looked by Him. He is interested in us. He accepts us, He will NEVER reject us.

I find myself daily measuring myself to what others think of me. If I mess up at work, that day my identity will be a mess up. If I get in an argument with someone I will find my identity in that failure.
My identity should be solely in Christ.

John 15:5 says that we are a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of HIs life.
John 15:16 says we have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
I Corinthians 3:16 we are God's temple.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 we have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Romans 8:31-39 we are free from condemnation, and nothing can separate us from His love.
John 1:12 we are His children
John 15:15, as His disciples, we are friends of Jesus.
I Corinthians 6:19-20 we have been bought with a price and we belong to God.
Colossians 1:13-14 We have been redeeemed and forgiven of all our sins.
Ephesians 1:3-8 we have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Hebrews 4:14-16 we have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.
Colossians 2:9-10 WE ARE COMPLETE IN CHRIST.

Surface

I always knew Leigh was a gifted artist. I had not seen many of her projects but I knew that she at one time was an art student. I visited her house in February and was blown away by her art pieces that she showed me. Standing in her room that day, I felt as if I had only known a part of Leigh all these years, because I never knew about this brilliant part of her life.

I was looking through pictures the other day from my vacation to Texas. I came across a picture of my sister Jenna and couldn't stop staring. I realized how stunning my sister is. Her blonde hair shining in the sun light, green eyes, and perfect teeth captivated me. This is a girl I have known for 22 years, I always knew she was pretty but in that moment I realized I never fully stop to recognize how gorgeous she truly is.

Driving home from church yesterday I began to think about the Lord. When asking people to describe God in one word, we could get a hundred different answers. There is many different characteristics of God. Hearing people talk about God and their different experiences with Him, I want to learn about that characteristic of God if I have not yet experienced it.

My mother speaks of the Lord as her best friend and husband, I hope to experience that part of Him fully.
My friend Rebecca speaks of the Lord as her provider and healer, I hope to take full advantage of that part of Him.
Johnny Cash sings about an "all personal Jesus" I hope to let Him be my personal Jesus not just one that I speak to in the morning and at night but one I let in on everything that I do. I am reminded of a word my best friend received a few months ago to "involve HIM in everything" I hope to do that in my life and let Him be my all personal Jesus.

I feel as if I have been in the same room as God for 23 years, some days I ask Him questions, some days we sit in silence, other days we converse, and some days I just sit speechless, amazed that I can even be in the same room as Him. But I realize that there is still so much I do not know about Him. You would think after 23 years I would have some sort of grasp on who God is. But I have to admit I don't, I feel as if every day I learned something completely new about His character. This is the beauty in serving Him though, I follow and love a mysterious God. How can I ever say I am bored in my faith? I should never be bored in my faith if I am continually seeking Him.

I love in Exodus 34 it says the Lord stood with Moses and proclaimed His name. The way I imagine it is that He is literally reminding Moses who He is.
5 Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. 6 And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation."

Today I need a reminder of who the Lord is, He is...
COMPASSIONATE
GRACIOUS
SLOW TO ANGER
ABOUNDING IN LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS
ONE WHO MAINTAINS LOVE TO THOUSANDS
ONE WHO FORGIVES WICKEDNESS, REBELLION and SIN
ONE WHO PUNISHES SIN

Hundred Acre Woods Hiding Spot

Once you have known someone for close to a decade there is not much you can hide from them. It is useless to even try to be secretive because they will clearly see right through it. I spoke with a close friend today on the phone and if I wasn't talking I was either screaming or laughing. I got called out on a lot of different things that others would never be allowed to call me out on. 

"Amber, the reason I hate text messaging so much is because of my relationship with you."

Silence

"If I want to talk to you I have to text because I know if I call either you won't answer or you will be with people. So either way I don't get you."

The screaming on the other line now begins.

"I text you 'how are you?' you reply 'good good.' Amber I know you, you reply 'good, good' too fast to be 'good good.' I hate that our relationship has come down to texts. It's frustrating."

Screaming continues. 

Our conversation continues with her talking about the 'Amber' that she knew. Fond memories of her best friend that prayed with passion, dreamed like she could conquer anything. An 'Amber' that wanted to know who everyone was in Christ, true identity. 

I listen to her describe this girl, and I loved her. I wanted to know her. I want to ask her where she gets her passion from. I want to ask her if she really believes in all the things she confesses.

I was in the kitchen with my sister and cousin the other day. The worried looks on their wet faces depicted a mirror of who I have become. Who I saw I did not like. A cold person. Fighting back tears because to me crying equals weakness. Their love for me was overwhelming. Why? I may never understand. They expressed their desire for me. They wanted me, not just to be in the same room as them and occasionally look their way but they wanted my time and attention. In that moment I hated the person I had become. Staring at two girls, crying just wanted the girl they knew I was to be there. I confessed to them, "I don't know where she has gone and fear she is not returning."

Sitting with my uncle the other day. He expressed to me that He did not like where I was heading.  With a sour look on his face he describes the girl he sees verses the girl he remembers.

I would be lying to say these experience are not a mirror to my relationship with my first love God. I asked God yesterday what was going on. "God, are you cursing me?"

I am reminded of the story in the book of Hosea. 

Chapter 2

She said, 'I will go after my lovers, 

       who give me my food and my water, 

       my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

 ⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; 
       I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

 ⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; 
       she will look for them but not find them. 
       Then she will say, 
       'I will go back to my husband as at first, 
       for then I was better off than now.'

 ⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one 
       who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, 
       who lavished on her the silver and gold— 
       which they used for Baal.

 ⁹ "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, 
       and my new wine when it is ready. 
       I will take back my wool and my linen, 
       intended to cover her nakedness.

¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness 
       before the eyes of her lovers; 
       no one will take her out of my hands.

 ¹¹ I will stop all her celebrations: 
       her yearly festivals, her New Moons, 
       her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.

 ¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, 
       which she said were her pay from her lovers; 
       I will make them a thicket, 
       and wild animals will devour them.

 ¹³ I will punish her for the days 
       she burned incense to the Baals; 
       she decked herself with rings and jewelry, 
       and went after her lovers, 
       but me she forgot," 
       declares the LORD.

 I chased after so many things that were not what God was asking me to chase after. This season was intended me for to simply just chase Him. I question why I have been sick for two months, why was I without a car for three months. I forgot that my health, and all my blessings were provided by God. 

I find myself becoming so uneasy with settling that I run. I run until I get to this point of having to completely surrender. But God being the gracious God that He is once I repent He returns with grace and affection. 

¹⁴ "Therefore I am now going to allure her; 
       I will lead her into the desert 
       and speak tenderly to her.

 ¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards, 
       and will make the Valley of Achor ^{]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} a door of hope. 
       There she will sing ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} as in the days of her youth, 
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

 ¹⁶ "In that day," declares the LORD, 
       "you will call me 'my husband'; 
       you will no longer call me 'my master. ^{c]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[c]} '

 ¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; 
       no longer will their names be invoked.

 ¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them 
       with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air 
       and the creatures that move along the ground. 
       Bow and sword and battle 
       I will abolish from the land, 
       so that all may lie down in safety.

 ¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever; 
       I will betroth you in ^{d]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[d]} righteousness and justice, 
       in ^{e]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[e]} love and compassion.

 ²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness, 
       and you will acknowledge the LORD.

 ²¹ "In that day I will respond," 
       declares the LORD—
       "I will respond to the skies, 
       and they will respond to the earth;

 ²² and the earth will respond to the grain, 
       the new wine and oil, 
       and they will respond to Jezreel. ^{f]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[f]}

 ²³ I will plant her for myself in the land; 
       I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. ^{g]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[g]} ' 
       I will say to those called 'Not my people, ^{h]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[h]} ' 'You are my people'; 
       and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

Last night at church, I leaned back and listened to those around me singing, "You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours." That is really all God wants from us is our heart. He wants us. Not just to be in the same room as us. Not just for just to look in His direction. He wants us. 

I watched a beautiful woman last night speak about the brokeness God has brought her through. And how God can use our brokeness for His plan. I have never been as broken as I have been in this season. Hurt. Four deaths, sickness, disappointment. But last night I made a choice to return to my first Love. I will give my heart back to Him, for that is all He wants. 

Chapter 6      

1 Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces 

but he will heal us; 

       he has injured us 
       but he will bind up our wounds.

² After two days he will revive us; 
       on the third day he will restore us, 
       that we may live in his presence.

 ³ Let us acknowledge the LORD; 
       let us press on to acknowledge him. 
       As surely as the sun rises, 
       he will appear; 
       he will come to us like the winter rains, 
       like the spring rains that water the earth."

 ⁴ "What can I do with you, Ephraim? 
       What can I do with you, Judah? 
       Your love is like the morning mist, 
       like the early dew that disappears.

 ⁶ For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, 
       and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.

 ⁷ Like Adam, ^{]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} they have broken the covenant— 
       they were unfaithful to me there.

 ¹¹ "Also for you, Judah, 

       a harvest is appointed. 

       "Whenever I would restore the fortunes of my people,

Life In The Shell Shaped House

"Just started a blog and have nothing to say."

Leigh and I played Scrabble today. A 25 year old and a 23 year old sat in their living room, on a Saturday to play Scrabble. Our rule, if it is in the Urban Dictionary you can use it. Leigh's word naw. "Like to naw on something?" confidence rises "Yea, naw." Well it was in the Urban Dictionary so it worked. 

I had a friend recently tell me I had too much time on my hands, when I asked him what he thinks I should do with my time he responded, "BLOG!" So here I am blogging. We will see where this leads. Maybe it will lead me to having less time on my hands.