My pastor said this week "the very thing you can't forgive yourself of, is the very thing God cannot remember." This past month has been a time when I have fought and struggled in forgiving or letting go of past failures. I went to sleep one night so burdened feeling so exhausted from my racing heart and mind. I woke up the next morning to find myself sick with regret and shame. Images kept playing over and over in my mind, images I tried to forget, images from YEARS ago that weighed me down.

"How could I have done that?"

"I am horrible, I will never be forgiven?"

"I will have to die with shame, it will never leave."




The message of my Redeemer and friend Jesus, that I had taught so many of seemed unreachable in this moment. I asked my sister Jenna to come into my room, I admitted to her how I was feeling. I could not even look into her face, I felt such shame. I admitted to her who I was agreeing with the enemy that I was.

She looked at me as I wept and reminded me of my worth, and what a liar the enemy is. She reminded me that God no longer holds those things against me, she reminded me of my freedom.




"The very thing you can't forgive yourself of, is the very thing God cannot remember."




BUT... what about the things you can't forget?




We have all been there, something sparks a thought, a name pops up in conversation, or some of us have people in our lives that continually remind us so we can not forget. It is hard to forgive when you can not forget.




We have all heard the story of the prodigal son but allow me show you what I feel God is speaking to me in this time. This is out of Luke 15, the son has realized what he has done and this is where we find him..




17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."




So many of us feel this way when approaching God, "Father I know I am worthless, I know I am a complete mess, so I understand if you are done with me." God always runs towards us just like the father in the story, His heart is always filled with compassion towards us, hugging and kissing us. To think we have a God that celebrates us!




As I laid in bed that night feeling so much shame I felt the Holy Spirit say, "Fight!" Fight for the Truth, fight for what has already been won, my freedom. I love Romans 5 "

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.




Christ has set me free, to be free! I love that it say do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Many, like myself, are allowing ourselves to be burdened by our past, something we have already been freed from. So, stand firm! Another place in scripture is states to stand firm is in Ephesians 6..




10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.




We all need to fight and stand firm! That night I clung to this passage, I clung to Jesus and I fought back, greater is He who is in me!




We all have an "older brother" in our lives or we are the "older brother" in someone else's life. We have someone who always reminds us of our shortcomings or something I struggle with is not letting go of who people once were in order to accept who Christ has made them now.




25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”




I find myself at times carrying around the "older brother' attitude. If you have someone in your life that you feel they will not let go of your past, maybe it is because they can not forgive themselves of something that they have done also. Maybe they feel like they don't deserve forgiveness so it is hard for them to forgive also. This is a great way for us all to share Jesus with others. Sharing our stories of who we once were and who we are now, sharing how guilt and shame have been taken and replaced with the love of a Father. We all need to know that the way the father felt about his son is the same way God feels about us, nothing can separate us from Him!

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.